funny jokes

1 Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years." 2 Doctor: Your test results are showing you'll easily live to be 80. Patient: But, wait, I am 80 just now. Doctor: See, I told you to live healthier! 3 A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach. “That won’t help you, Joe, you know?” “Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!” 4 Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift. 5 Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having...

1 My girlfriend says that I am snoopy. But OK, maybe she meant it differently when she wrote it in her diary. 2 Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup. - And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?! 3 I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that he will not bother me anymore. 4 Daddy what is a transvestite? - Ask Mommy, he knows. 5 Q: Is Google a he or a she? A: A she, no doubt, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas. 6 Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks. I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?” He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.” 7 What is see-through and smells of carrots? - A rabbit fart. 8 An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it’s an exit. A pessimist see...

1 Knock, knock. Who’s there? The love of your life. Liar! Chocolate can’t speak! 2 A detective asks a woman, "So, your husband hanged himself?" Woman replies, "Yes, that is correct." The suspicious detective continues, "But why does he have all those bruises on his head?" "The old fool used an elastic rope!" 3 Little Red Riding Hood walks all alone through the deep dark wood. Suddenly she hears rustling in a thick bush. Cautiously she moves the branches aside and finds herself facing the big bad wolf. "Oh, Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such huge red eyes?" - "Go away! I'm crapping!" 4 Why don‘t cannibals eat divorced women? Because they’re bitter. 5 Q. What’s the worst thing about being lonely? A. Playing Frisbee. 6 Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry. 7 I’m certain there are female hormones in beer. When I drink too much,...

1 Why haven’t you ever seen any elephants hiding up trees? Because they’re really, really good at it. 2 We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael". 3 Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.” Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!” Detector: “Beep.” 4 What is dangerous? - Sneezing while having diarrhea! 5 Secretary: “Doctor the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment.” Doctor: “Tell him I can"t see him.” 6 Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. A...

1 A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body.... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. 2 What goes up and down but never moves? - The stairs! 3 Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer." - Patient: "At least I don't have cancer." 4 A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?” The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the woman!” 5 Little Johnny asks his father: "Where does the wind come from?" - "I don't know." - "Why do dogs bark?" - "I don't know." - "Why is the earth round?" - "I don't know." - "Does it disturb you that I ask so much?" - "No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything." 6 Three guys are stranded...

1 Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “ Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.” 2 I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke – but you didn't like it. 3 So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number! 4 I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea. I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it. 5 “You are so kind, funny and beautiful.” “Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.” “And smart, too!” 6 Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common? - A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason. 7 I’m selling my talking parrot. Why? Because yesterday, the bastard tried to sell me. 8 Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space? - To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem...

1 Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.  - Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking. 2 Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo. Men 1952: I just fixed the roof. Men 2017: I just shaved my legs. 3 I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember. 4 I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now. 5 The inventor of AutoCorrect is a stupid mass hole. He can fake right off. 6 A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face. 7 A police officer stops a car. Officer: “Your driver’s license please.” Driver: “I’m really sorry, I forgot.” Officer: “At home?” Dr...

1 In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles. - One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?” - The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.” 2 Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery. The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord! The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery! Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket. 3 “You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…” “Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!” 4 A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”    The husband: “Are you mad? I barely kn...

1 Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.” The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.” Man: “And that frees me from my sin?” Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.” 2 Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.” Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.” 3 Sleep with an open window tonight! 1400 mosquitos like that. 420 mosquitos commented on it. 210 mosquitos shared this. One mosquito invited for the event. 2800 mosquitos will be attending the event. 4  “My wife suffers from a drinking problem.” - “Oh is she an alcoholic?” - “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.” 5 I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship. 6 Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places wh...

1 Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?  - Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all. 2 Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine." 3 A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.” 4  Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother? My name is Paul. 5 My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away. 6 What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? - Snowballs. 7 Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?" Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these ...